In the twenty-first hour of Dragon Age: Origins, HAHAHA OH MY GOD THAT IS NOT WHAT I THOUGHT REDCLIFFE WOULD BE ABOUT. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to play Dragon Age: Origins.
WHAT IS THIS GODDAMN GAME????
Oh my god, y’all, this shit is fucked up. I know I’ve said that numerous times, but I am continually surprised by how awful everything is in this fictional world. For real, this might be the most morally ambiguous situation I’ve been presented with yet. SWEET BABIES, I NEED HELP.
So, let’s start with my lovely video for this hour of gameplay. Use this as your guide as I chronicle what exactly happened to me in Redcliffe:
- All right, so I was ready to go with Perth and Teagan into the castle!
- AND THEN ISOLDE JUST SHOWS UP. Okay, this is convenient!
- No, it’s a trap.
- Teagan, this is a trap.
- Teagan, she is literally telling you in front of everyone that you have to come alone and she is being very nervous about it.
- This is the textbook definition of IT’S A TRAP.
- If you look real closely next time, Admiral Ackbar falls off the cliff behind Teagan during this scene. He almost had a chance to warn you!
- Oh, so we’ll split up and I’ll go through your secret windmill passage way?
- This seems like a bad idea.
- I’VE GOT A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS.
- Look, when I finally feel like I’ve caught on to some ulterior motive, then you know it’s obvious as all hell. TEAGAN, DON’T GO WITH HER.
- Oh, it’s Jowan! I didn’t expect the mage that Isolde spoke of to be so… nice? Like, he seems genuinely sorry!
- Fuck it, I let him out of the cage. Wynne wasn’t happen, Alistair wasn’t happy, so I had to gift them things so that they still liked me. They’re a temperamental bunch, aren’t they?
- Okay, it was during Jowan’s conversation where I totally lost it. CONNOR. HIS NAME IS CONNOR. SORRY, THAT NAME WILL FOREVER BE ASSOCIATED WITH ANGEL, AND THE EERIE SIMILARITIES BECAME TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE BY THE TIME MY HOUR WAS DONE.
- All right, off to explore the castle! My god, the map is GIGANTIC. Well, at least it seemed that way. Lots of the recently risen dead. There are doors for a courtyard, a basement, a dungeon, and the main floor. Ugh, why are there so many choices? WHERE SHOULD I GO?
- Definitely the basement. Start at the bottom, work my way up, right? That makes sense, right?
- Oh. There’s not much of anything in the basement. Huh.
- Oh, the courtyard looks empty, too. I’m confused. What’s going on?
- Why would there be two empt–
- SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL, WHAT IS THAT?
- OH FUCK NO, A REVENANT. NOPE. NO. I HATE YOU ASSHOLES. LEAVE ME ALONE.
- NO I’M DEAD
- OH GREAT I’M DEAD
- OKAY ATTEMPT #2 HERE WE GO: I use stealth to sneak up the archers on the steps, deal a critical blow to one of them, cut him down in one more strike, take out the other archer as my party begins to attack the Revenant and the two corpses he’s got next to him. The two corpses are down in mere seconds, and then ALISTAIR, WOW, THAT BEAUTIFUL SHIELD BASH JUST TOOK HIM DOWN, SWEET MERCIFUL LORD, LET ME LOVE YOU FOR THAT. WOW. THAT WAS JUST GREAT.
- All the Revenant dropped was a Greater Ice Salve? Fuck you, asshole. FUCK YOU.
- Time to go in the Main Hall!
- what the
- what is Teagan doing
- why is he dancing
- what the fuck
- WHAT THE FUCK IS CONNOR
- Oh my god, Isolde was lying to me. Connor is like HALF ABOMINATION NOW. Oh goddamn it.
- And thus I am given one of the most difficult moral choices in the entire game: Do I agree to go after the demon hurting Connor, ostensibly killing the boy to save Arl Eamon, or do I allow Jowan to use blood magic to allow one of my mages to enter the Fade BY SACRIFICING ISOLDE????? In both options, I’ll upset someone in my party and someone will have to die.
- Jesus, y’all were not kidding. I was horrifically unprepared for this fucking game.
- I decided for purely selfish reasons that I wanted to go back into the Fade again. Also, Morrigan’s Walking Bomb power is currently my favorite spell in the whole game, so I wanted a chance to use her and have people explode gore all over the place.
- JESUS WHAT THE FUCK, IT’S LIKE SOMETHING IMPALED ISOLDE AND HER BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE AND OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I CHOSEN TO DO???
- i need a nap after this. fuck.
My Character Stats
Damage dealt: 69665
Greatest damage dealt: 90
Contribution to party damage: 35
Hit rate: 84
Most powerful foe slain: Uldred
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