In the twenty-seventh hour of Dragon Age: Origins, I am just at a point where I don’t know any creative or new ways to praise this game. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to play Dragon Age: Origins.
I CAN’T EVEN BE WITTY OR CREATIVE ABOUT THIS. OH LORD, THIS IS SO MUCH FUN. FOREVER UNPREPARED.
I did this:
- I observed Shale and Morrigan have a conversation in which Shale called Morrigan a “swamp witch.” It made me laugh so hard I choked. Then Shale kept talking about their “rod” and “what if you could wield my rod” and it made me think of golem penis, and that’s really weird.
- I found a torso in a bag. Who is leaving body parts in bags all willy-nilly like they’re just garbage?
- I found a completely solitary and utterly unexplained sarcophagus. I am still perplexed as to how something that’s so commonly associated with ancient Egypt was in an underground mine inhabited by dwarves. (And yes, I’m aware that other cultures used sarcophagi. STILL.
- HELL YES, I FOUND THE DRIFTER’S CACHE give me everything.
- OH! It’s a… head. In a bag. Okay, do I have a whole body???
- I killed an Ogre Alpha! I was weirdly proud of myself? This is kind of a common thing with me, but I just get so happy when I don’t spiral out of control into a nightmare of frustration while playing this game. As you can probably tell, I don’t think highly of myself as a gamer, but I’M DOING IT. I AM TOTALLY PLAYING THIS GAME.
- I found the entrance to Ortan Thaig!!! OH SHIT, IT’S REAL.
- I then laughed way too hard when Oghren shouted, “By the tits of my ancestors!” WHO SAYS THAT. WHO SAYS THAT.
- I learned from Oghren that there is a City of the Dead down here. I am not excited about finding it.
- I adored the fact that Ortan Thaig is blueish in color! It seems kind of haunted, I thought to myself.
- I used Morrigan OBSESSIVELY. The next time I play this game, I need to be a mage. IT’S SO FUN.
- I listened in on Shale giving Morrigan a very hard time about the fact that she was scheming to kill her own mother. How did Shale know this?
- I realized that it doesn’t make all that much sense that a giant spider would have a bunch of coins on their body. Am I literally sifting through their remains to discover the coins that were on the person of their last meal? That doesn’t make sense because spiders generally don’t devour things whole.
- WHAT THE FUCK ARE FORGOTTEN SPIRITS?
- Okay, yes, they’re spirits that are forgotten. Shut up.
- I fought some stone golems!
- Oh, wow, I actually found Ruck in Ortan Thaig! But isn’t he supposed to be in the mines?
- WHAT THE FUCK, RUCK HAS BEEN EATING DARKSPAWN CORPSES TO STAY ALIVE.
- oh my fucking god RUCK ESCAPED TO THE MINES TO AVOID HIS MOTHER’S SHAME. NO, oh my god, OH MY GOD. THIS IS SO HEARTBREAKING.
- I chose to leave Ruck behind and lie to his mother. Ugh, I’M SO SAD.
- I found an altar not far from Ruck’s cave! I put the bags of body parts on it AND A GIANT FUCKING DEMON THING APPEARED. It offered me a choice: reward or revenge.
- I chose reward because I really didn’t want to fight this massive, terrible thing.
- HOLY SHIT, IT GAVE ME 25 GOLD. WHAT. OH MY GOD. NOW I HAVE 111 GOLD RIGHT NOW. !!!!!!!! THAT ACTUALLY WORKED, THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
- NO, NOW I’M GOING THROUGH A CHAMBER OF PURPLE SPIDERS this is one giant NOPE forever. It absolutely terrifies and sickens me when I see how they attack a character. It’s a fucking nightmare on the screen, and I fucking hate it.
- I found no more signs that Branka was alive and well, and Oghren is convinced that she’s no longer alive.
- I tried to make small talk with Oghren to hopefully raise my approval rating with him AND HE FLAT OUT REFUSED TO TALK TO ME AND I LOST 4 POINTS. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BIGOTRY.
Okay, I am determined to find Branka in the next hour, AND I WILL RECORD MY JOURNEY BECAUSE I CAN.
My Character Stats
Damage dealt: 105915
Friendly-fire damage dealt: 0
Greatest damage dealt: 90
Contribution to party damage: 31
Hit rate: 86
Most powerful foe slain: Revenant
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