In the eighteenth hour of Dragon Age: Origins, I discover how truly fucked up the village of Haven is. Intrigued? Then it’s time for Mark to play Dragon Age.
LIKE WHAT IF I HAD NEVER PICKED UP THE MISSION FROM WEYLON? I know that Haven has been on my travel map for a while now, but seriously, a story this incredible that’s not part of the Blight mission IS RULING MY LIFE.
I started my journey through the village outside the village shop, where I discovered one of Arl Eamon’s knights mutilated in the back. Okay, what the fuck is going on? Actually, that was a common theme for my journey through this part of the game. I kept coming upon some new detail, and it would leave me more bewildered than before.
For example: WHY ARE THERE REAVERS IN THIS GAME, AND WHAT ARE THEY? Oh my god, it’s Firefly now. Okay, just teasing, but for real, what was going on in Haven? Why were they decimating bodies? Why are they cultists?
As I came upon the Chantry, all I could think was, “WHY DO I HAVE TO GO IN HERE. THIS IS A REALLY BAD IDEA. CAN WE NOT DO THIS?” I even searched around the sides of the building to see if there was anywhere else to go, but nope. This was it. I had to go inside. So I did. And my brain just turned to mush.
SO ANDRASTE IS ALIVE? OR CAN BE? OR MIGHT BE? What the fuck are these people doing in Andraste’s name? Why does this priest keep saying we need to protect her?
I like a good mystery in my video games. I do! I mean, look, how fun was the story in the first Uncharted game? (Obligatory mention that the gameplay itself is borderline racist as fuck.) How great were many of the side quests in both of the recent Fallout games? WHAT ABOUT BIOSHOCK oh my god my brain hurts just thinking about it. I didn’t expect anything like this from Dragon Age. The story is set before me so plainly: gather an army, fight the darkspawn. There didn’t seem to be room for any sort of mystery or pervasive creepiness. I WAS SO WRONG.
I found Brother Genitivi and took him with me into the temple, which is EASILY the creepiest place in the whole game. It’s full of snow, icicles, and… well, I’ll get to that. I left Genitivi behind so he could be scholarly, and he said my absolute favorite thing when he was talking about the use of religious metaphors:
After all, no one wants to hear: “Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanism that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder.”
God, I love the dialogue in this game.
And so I left Genitivi and began my exploration of the Caverns. They’re FUCKING HUGE. Oh god, it was like entering the sewers in Fallout 3. Some times, they’d go on forever. This map in particular feels like the biggest, most expansive place I’ve explored. Generally, I explored every hallway and tunnel I could, and when it opened to the main caverns, I stuck to the right whenever I met a fork in the road. By the time I got to the “end” and my brain promptly gave up from being plot twist’d too many times, I’d actually explored the whole cavern. I managed to notice the following things:
- WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS A BRONTO AND SINCE WHEN WERE DEMONIC RHINO THINGS ALLOWED? Oh my god, he nearly obliterated my party, but Wynne’s Group Heal is a lifesaver. Literally.
- There are so many Cultists. Nearly every turn provided five to ten more enemies to fight. Generally, they were easy to defeat, especially those without armor. But I was surprised by how prevalent they were.
- OH MY GOD ASH WRAITHS. This is ridiculous.
- Seriously, there was a room with five chests in it, and as you opened each chest, two Ash Wraiths would pop out. Of course I opened every chest. Would you expect anything less from me?
- Hey, I got to level 12 because I killed so many things!
- This room is called the “Wyrming Lair.” I am all out of fucks to give. DO I HAVE TO GO IN THERE? YOU ARE NEVER SUPPOSED TO ENTER A ROOM THAT SAYS “LAIR.” THAT’S JUST SCIENCE.
- I lost count of the number of times that Wynne expressed Taylor Swift levels of surprise at the existence of dragons. “Unbelievable! A dragon!” You just fucking saw one two minutes ago. “I’ve never seen one this large!” Wynne, that’s a dragonling. Stop. Stop it.
- Wait, why am I fighting the Cultist Overseer already? Is this the boss room? But I still have like a third of the map to cover!
- Oh shit, I killed the Overseer on top of his nest of dragon eggs. How poetic!
- Dragon breeding!
- Goat eating! Poor goats. :(
- What is the LIFEDRINKER? Oh shit, if I was a blood mage, this would RULE.
And then I reached the final chamber. Father Kolgrim. He wants me to put Andraste’s blood in the Urn of the Sacred Ashes. Like, okay, Wynne and Alistair were extremely quick to point out that this is a bad, bad, bad, VERY BAD idea. And I agree! Given what I’ve seen in Haven, clearly these people are worshipping something horrific. Why would I help them with that?
So I said no! And Father Kolgrim’s forces slaughtered us. Oh my god, we were dead before I could even properly react. Goddamn it, I’ll give this a few more tries in my next hour, but I really don’t want to say yes to this man just to get past him. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS.
Oh my god, this storyline is SO FUCKED UP.
My Character Stats
Damage dealt: 57311
Friendly fire: 0
Greatest damage dealt: 90
Contribution to party damage: 37
Hit rate: 83
Most powerful foe slain: Uldred
Everyone got along, so I actually have no changes to report in terms of approval rates!
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